Judi's Essay this month is: The one thing I would most like you to know about me........
Those who read here, know I am intelligent. Some might say very or extremely, and MENSA would agree with them. My IQ is high and I have been tested repeatedly over the years to verify that. I make no effort to hide it, usually, and often feel that I flaunt that aspect of me, when I try not to do so.
I try not to make people uncomfortable when I am around them. I have, over the years, learned to control my impulses to correct others, whether it be grammar, spelling, or in general. But that journey was a long and difficult one.
What people don't know is that this 'intelligence' comes with a price. A very high price, at times.
My best and longest friend, my 'sister', Melody, will say things like "There you go using those big words again." So I used to dummy down. I am a master at dummying down now. I find I do it subconsciously, at times. I go on auto-pilot or instinct. But it depends on who I am around.
This is not the problem, though. Not even close. What I am about to write may surprise my closest readers. Then again, maybe not. Of course, knowing them as I do, I'll still have their love, respect and support, but it's time to confess.
One reason I keep getting tested is because, even though my IQ is 130-135 range, I cannot perform the simplist of daily routines without a list, or something written down in my face, all the time. Now before you guys start thinking you make to do lists, that is not what I'm writing about here.
I mean, I have to have a note to remind me to brush my teeth. I have to write down the day I take a shower, so I can remember to take another in a timely fashion (yeah, I know that is disgusting, but it is the truth). I have to write down the time to pick Grace up from preschool, go to work, and for any appointments.
This is something only three people have known. Until now. Now, with Judi's essay prompting me, the world knows. Well, maybe not the world... but it's out here.... in the open.
When I was young, I could not understand what was wrong with me. People at school seemed to have everything together. They could make plans in an instant when I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what I had to do. They could remember school assignments, chapters to read, and what they did last week. I'd be lucky to know what day it was.
I never told my parents until well into my college career (12 years there~ what would you call it?) It was beyond them to help at that point. Had I mentioned it sooner, they may have found help somewhere. Instead, I felt ashamed that I couldn't remember the easiest tasks, so I kept it hidden.
Once I went to work at the hospital, I started talking to doctors about my situation. This is when all the testing started. I was 19. Now, my IQ has always been high, even through school. It has been documented since the beginning of my formal education in Kindergarten. I was always doing work from two or three grades higher than the grade level I was assigned. Then, they called me 'gifted', I called it cursed.
That, in itself, caused problems as my classmates would make fun of me. Maybe this caused the issues I have today with social graces... but it was kids being kids. It just stuck to my brain and never left. Like a lot of things....
I was once told that those considered genuis, had similar problems to mine. Einstein had some of the same issues. Hitler, also a genuis, had the extreme version of this syndrome. It drove him crazy. I wonder about myself sometimes....
I have yet to find a medical name for what goes on in my head. No doctors have a clue, though some called me bi-polar, I don't believe that label. My moods don't change. I don't change. I just cannot remember the simple, everyday things that people do.
The only thing about me that changes is my ever-increasing thirst for learning. I can't get enough! My fear is that it seems, now, the more I learn, the more 'normal' things I forget. It's like I've filled up my brain's filing cabinet, so everything new I put in, something has to be removed. The things I 'lose' are the mundane tasks one should not forget!
The other side of this, is the social one. I can write and write and write, but when it comes to face-to-face contact, or phone contact.. I am an unsocial clutz! I cannot think of what to say. I have a difficult time making small talk. So, to those who have wondered why I don't call or IM much, now you know why...
If there is a subject to discuss or something that I can relate to, it is no problem. But to just come up with conversation... well, I just suck at it. I keephoping, one day, I'll figure out how to be 'normal'. I've been waiting about 30 years now :)
So, there you have it. What goes on inside Kitty's head... or what doesn't ;)
Thank you, Judi, for the inspiration and the opportunity to come clean. Thanks to my friends here, who gave me the ability to trust them with my 'secret'.
Now you all know.....