Monday, October 11, 2004

Confessions of an addict

I have decided it is time to come clean and bare a little of soul with my struggles.  Part of recovery is admitting there is a problem.  I am an addict.  On top of that, I am obsessive compulsive.  I don't necessarily go around my house checking locks and such, I am the 'have to clean it' and 'do the same routine' all the time type. For example:  I have to clean the sink before I wash dishes, even though I just cleaned it after washing the last set of dishes.  (Same goes for the toilet, and the tub).  Which is why having a child has benefitted me also.... nothing is routine really  :)   That is why I stay here with my parents, too.  I don't think being alone would help me (or Grace) much, but I'm working on that as well.     

 

 It may seem by reading my entries that I pretty much have myself together.  This is an act I've perfected for pretty much my entire life.  I am the type who rarely asks for help until I've gotten myself in too deep and I have been trying to work on this problem.  

 

But why I chose to seek help was realizing; I am going to die, by one habit or another.  I smoke a lot of cigarettes, I eat all the wrong food, I only get exercise playing with Grace (which isn't nearly what I need).  I smoked pot for awhile until I got back with Wayne (he rarely drinks, never touched drugs).  After I had Grace, I would get depressed (or pissed) over the situation with her dad, I would smoke if I was around someone who had it (out without my daughter, of course!!) and never at home.   

 

But at one point after fighting with Wayne, I found myself in the familiar seeking behavior, so I had to cut that off.  I also had to stop letting him get to me so bad. I drink on special occasions, I'm not a big fan of alcohol (which is how I got started smoking pot).  Anyway, I quit that and started smoking cigs again.... sheesh, that was a stupid decision.    

 

Grace has changed me for the better because I don't want her to ever have to deal with these problems. It is also because of my daughter that I have to help myself.  If I die~~who is going to take care of her? My mom and dad are in their mid 60's.  Mom is in good health, but dad has had 1 heart attack and is now, as of last week, on insulin shots twice a day.  It isn't my mom's job to raise my child.  So I am replacing all my old habits with new ones.   

 

Today, I smoked a total of 10 cigs (I know that is 1/2 a pack, but I am up from 7:00am- midnight).  I worked out for 30 minutes with my old weights (after I took thirty minutes to clean all the dust on them.. lol).  My goal is to start walking in the mornings when I used to sit and drink coffee and smoke while watching TV.  I have had Dr. Phil's weight book for a long time... but have never read it.  I believe one has to be at the point where he wants to change in order to do so.  So, that is a must read.  I do know I eat emotionally and late at night, so that has stopped.  if I must eat something, I'll grab some veggies or some fruit.  

 

I know most people do not live this way, and I must stop now or face dire consequences.  If I don't explode from fast food and chocolate (anyone see Monty Python's "The meaning of life"?  The fat guy "bring me a bucket"), I'll end up with the fates from smoking cigarettes.. cancer, emphysema, vascular problems, etc.  

 

So, I'm writing in hopes that some of you reading this will hold me accountable for actions in the future.  I am honest, so I'll say if I have gone against my plan.        

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You Go Girl!!!!  You are stronger than me!!!!  I don't have the balls to quit smoking or eating chocolate!!!  I will hold you to it girl!  I am with ya all the way baby!! Good Luck Cat!!!

Stacy

Anonymous said...

That took great courage.  ~Sie.

Anonymous said...

Seems we are more alike than you know, except for the fact that u can admit your problems while I keep them to myself, for the most part, not ready to hang out all my dirty laundry yet!  Atleast not in my journal, props to u.....

Anonymous said...

The smoking thing...both hubby and I smoke...tell me we didn't feel guilty when Josh was in the er getting a breathing treatment.  We now smoke outside only...I went from a pack down to 6...hopefully I can just quit!!  
I know how tough it it...maybe together we can both quit for the health of our kids...and ourselves.
*hugs*

Anonymous said...

I really admire you for putting your weaknesses out for all of us to see and for telling us your plan.  I hope that you will be kind to yourself and not be "black and white" in your thinking as most of us with OCD are.  Give yourself rewards and allow yourself not to be perfect, but I am so glad you are holding yourself accountable.  I understand the addicts personality as well as the OCD'ers as I have had these two issues following me during my lifetime.  Gracie is so lucky to have you for a Momma!!  I will be praying for you!
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ValsThoughts  

Anonymous said...

www.ocfoundation.org to read about definition and treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I have it.  -Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink