Monday, September 13, 2004

Beyond Confusion--my dilemma

Have you ever had someone in your life that you couldn't get over?

Well, I've got one.  I have not written about my daughter's dad, Wayne, because I didn't know what to say.  Today, that changed.

First, some history...short version:  I met him when I was 20 (88), we started dating when I was 21 (he is 14 yrs older).  We split for about 4 years (96-00), then got back together.  At the time were apart, I was living with another man.  I lost my job in August of 2000, couldn't pay my share of the bills and couldn't find any work to pay for what I owed.  My guy and I were fighting all the time about it and weren't getting along well for awhile, so we ended it and I moved back home (tail between my legs).  Wayne and I have a great working relationship and most importantly, we could agree to disagree and still respect the other's opinions (and still have sex..heeheehee).  Well, we started dating again in Nov. 2000.  I got pregnant in Dec, same year.  That was the worst thing for him to hear.  He has never minced words about not having anymore (he had 3 then) until he was married and I knew it.  He also always said he didn't want a fat wife.  Now, I have always been fat.  The lowest weight in my adult life was 168 lbs. (I'm 5'8").  The heaviest, well, that would be at this very moment.  Pregnancy didn't help (imagine that).

Ok, ok..before I get comments on how I should have left him for what he said.  I respect someone who tells me the truth, even if it hurts.  And honestly, if I was happy being fat, I would have left him a long time ago.  But I do want to change, just can't get my head into focus like I did before.  So, what he told me is what would make him happy and I won't walk away from someone who is honest in what they want.

Moving forward to today.  Wayne was outraged when I chose to have my (our) daughter, Grace.  Since she was born, there hasn't been anything there.  We talk on the phone, still have great conversations, but never anything personal.  He's involved with someone now, but he says she isn't what he wants either.  What he wants is my brain, personality and someone else's body.  That's not going to happen.  Truth be told, I don't know if I would be happy with him.  We have a long hard history and I'm holding a grudge..though keeping it to myself (and here).

My issue:  I am a daddy's girl.  I wanted the same for my daughter.  It's not going to happen.  I have come to the conclusion that I can't be civil anymore, because it always ends up with him asking me to do all kinds of work, me doing it (stirring up old feelings), and then resenting him later.  I feel tremendous guilt.  I know for Grace, it would behoove me to keep lines open.  He says he wants to be part of her life, but when I say no to him about work, he never calls to see how she is. 

My dilemma:  What should I do?  Walk away completely, try to work something out, or lay down and roll over.  Anybody want to give it a shot? Anybody?

Til next time....


1 comment:

angeleyez1970 said...

This may be a long comment....
First of all i have to say that Grace is such a doll! She looks like a true cheerleader in her GreenBay Outfit ;)
Second, i think what wayne said is just HORRIBLE. I saw your photos and your a very BEAUTIFUL lady. In my opinion, i think Wayne is just using the fat excuse to keep you at arms length, so he only has to "play" daddy when it is convenient for him to do so. I too, admire honesty, and always try to see things from the other persons point of veiw. Especially when they are being forthright. BUT Wayne was an adult when he layed down with you. He COULD have used protection (he does however have 3 other kids and KNOWS the consequences of UNprotected sex). I do however, believe that every girl needs her daddy OR a daddy figure in her life. I'm a Daddy's Girl Too. The oldest and only girl :)  If Wayne wants to see his daughter, make him pay child support (if he isn't already) set up a visitation schedule, and allow him his time with her. BUt go strictly by the the visitation orders.

I have step daughter, tiffany, who is 16 now. She's been in my life since she was 4. My hubby, Joey, was breifly married to tiffanys mother for 8 months. He married her because she got pregnant and he was trying to do the right thing. Ex wife, has "most times" denied Joey access to his daughter, regardless of what the visitation orders were and has always made it next to impossible for him to have a relationship with his daughter. The sad thing is, he has tried and tried and tried. We live 20 minutes from them, always have. The only time daughter or ex call now is when they WANT something or they are in conflict with one another...then ex tells her to pack her shit and move in here at her dads.

Anyhoo....this is just MY opinion.
Hope things get better and your able to work something out!